Q&A: What do you think so far?

Posted on 26. Aug, 2010 by 5 Wheel Scooters in Mobility News

Question by Rubix Cube♥: What do you think so far?
Personalyl I don’t like how it flows but maybe its just me.

Astra buried her face into her forearms as time painfully passed. The hallway was empty except for the occasional janitor that walked by unaware of her. She brought her knees in closer and tried to tu ne out the fact that the floor was so hard she was losing feeling in her butt. Time didn’t even seem to pass as she waited. He had said 3:30, why wasn’t he here yet? She glanced down the hall hoping it was almost 3:30. 3:25. She let out a loud grown as she dragged her hands down her face, stretching her features as though they were clay. Footsteps sounded from around the corner of the dingy hallway. He approached carrying a coffee mug and his usual man-purse.
“So you finally decided to be early for once, Miss Berkley?” Mr. Sampson remarked, not making eye contact with Astra and unlocking the classroom door.
Astra shrugged her shoulders, an action not easily seen though as it was hidden inside her oversized sweatshirt. She hated waiting. For the instances that she did show up, she’d show up late rather than early. Waiting had felt horrible ever since it happened. Waiting to die, the time had seemed to drag on and on. She picked herself up off the floor, dusting mystery dirt from the back of her jeans, and slung her bag over one shoulder. Her feet felt as heavy as lead blocks as she travveled the few metres to enter the classroom. Mr. Sampson was seated at his desk, reclined slightly in his chair and looked in deep thought.
“Take a seat, Astra. This might take a while. And Sterling hasn’t shown up yet. So we’ll have to wait to begin.” Mr. Sampson sighed, and began to search desperatley though his bag.
‘Sterling… it can’t be. It must be a different person’ Astra thought as she took her pick of the empty desks. She watched Mr. Sampson dig through his bag. His bald spot shone brightly as the fluorescent lights hit it and dark rings circled his eyes. His ears stuck out at a pecuilar angle, and his face was weathered more so than it had been months ago. He withdrew his hands from his bag and his head snapped up to the door just as the faint rapping on the wood started. Astra quickly looked away fromtthe door, afraid of who might be waiting on the other side. The hinges of the door creaked as it was thrust open. The teenage boy ambled slowly into the room and a slight smile grew at the corners of his lips as he saw the occupants.
“Sterling, take a seat. We’ve been waiting long enough” Mr. Sampson said, rising from his chair to stand in front of the two students.
Astra focused her eyes on the floor tiles in front of her desk. She couldn’t look at the boy seated next to her, she just couldn’t.
“Now, I understand that you two are having some… difficulties at home.” their teacher began, pacing in front of them. “But that does not allow you to be failing all of your courses! You two are putting the rest of your lives at risk by failing! I have spoken to your past teachers, and have had the same response. Failed. Every single course, last semester. And now every single course this one! I won’t have it happen. With that, in discussion with your other teachers it has been decided, that you two will have one final chance. Together, you will complete this task. And if not I’ll be seeing you next year, again. ”
Mr. Sampson handed them both a booklet of papers. He grabbed his bag, turned off the lights and slammed the classroom door shut.
Difficulties at home. Her arms ached at the thought of what had happened almost a year ago.

Best answer:

Answer by ףα∂умуѕтєяιυм тнє Đαякρнσєηιχ×
I think you should work on your grammar first.

I wasn’t hooked.

I think now I’m going to get a slice of chocolate cake and be a fatty.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

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4 Responses to “Q&A: What do you think so far?”

  1. Chibi Kitteh

    26. Aug, 2010

    It sounds super good! I really want to read it! You have some grammatical errors, like grown should be groan, just to name one. It is a really good story and I am interested in reading it when it is done! Good Luck!

  2. Lutopu L

    26. Aug, 2010

    didn’t read it… got turned off when you said you didn’t like how it flowed. it’s your baby, you can make it how you want, if you don’t like it, what are the chances anyone else will???

  3. ●ßeautiful Ŋightmare● 。(◕‿◕)。

    26. Aug, 2010

    “She brought her knees in closer and tried to tu ne out the fact that the floor was so hard she was losing feeling in her butt” Sounds a little weird. Just mentioning she was getting increasingly uncomfortable would be enough. =)

    The rest of it needs tweaking in bits, like add more detail so we know how the character is feeling. Last of all, the very end is weird… It is strange for her arms to be aching while she is reminiscing, so maybe leave that out or change it.

  4. NekoBus

    26. Aug, 2010

    Well the content is not bad, but I agree with the first answer. You do need to work on your grammar and spelling. Read and reread what you’ve written until it flows the way you want and you’re satisfied with it.

    A few places are wonky, or off. I like what you mean by time painfully passed, but you could be more descriptive. Get into her head, what’s she thinking and feeling here? Those are the things that will bring the characters to life and give them more dimensions. Then I’m not sure what you mean by “Waiting had felt horrible ever since it happened. Waiting to die, the time had seemed to drag on and on.” Since what happened? Don’t leave the reader hanging – I see you’re hinting at it toward the end, but if you bring it up, follow through with something. Then it sounds like she has a terminal illness.

    I like the descriptions of the teacher. No need to say Sterling is a teenager, if it’s in a high school, that’s just stating the obvious. How many occupants are there besides Astra? I don’t think you need to put exclamation points at the end of what the teacher says. Anyway, it’s got potential, just keep working on it until you’re satisfied.

    Good luck!

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